How to grow a mustache

Friday, May 23, 2008

So you’ve decided to man up and grow a stache. Excellent choice. I’ve decided to add this post to make the transition an easy one.

First things first, decide on what kind of stache you’d like grow. I like to Wikipedia the word “mustache” and see what pops up. Check out the styles and see what you like. Whether it be a handlebar, a horseshoe, a Fu Manchu, or a simple Burt Reynolds type; find what suits you best.

Second, I suggest growing a beard or a goatee first. I think you should ease your way into the stache. Don’t do your stache the disservice of growing it in patchy, thin, etc.

Third, get the best precision razor money can buy and work your magic. You may clean up first with an electric razor or sideburn trimmer, but you’ll need a good small razor for the detailing. I wouldn’t try this with anything more than two blades thick (sorry Schick Quattro, men only). Remember symmetry is the key to a dazzling stache.

Okay handsome, you are ready to meet the world in a whole new light.

Some people close to you may be jealous of your stache and try to make you feel bad for having one. Don’t be fooled, this type of mustache bigotry has been going on since the 80’s. Here are some things you may hear from the mustache intolerant, along with things you can say in return:

Intolerant: “Hey, I didn’t know you were a cop/firefighter”

Response: “Since 9/11, I would think anyone would love to be associated with fine men of the police/firefighter department. Anyone who says otherwise hates America. You don’t hate America do you?”

Intolerant: “You look like an adult film star.”

Response: “If by adult film star you mean Tom Selleck in Three Men and a Baby. . . thank you, thank you very much.”

Intolerant: “That is ugly.”

Response: “Yes, mustache intolerance is ugly, as are all prejudices. Maybe you should go, you might be late for your supremacist rally.”

Always try to put yourself in the place of your stache. If other staches came up to your stache and said “Hey that face you’re on is ugly”. Would your stache dispose of you? Exactly. So man up and be proud of your newfound friend.

(P.S. - that is a full resolution picture so you can save it as your wallpaper)